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What's wrong with me? Why Can't I Change?

Despite looking like I had the perfect life as a young mother of 3 boys and 1 baby girl, I thought I had it all. I loved my life. I had a busy, thriving portrait photography business in a small town, my husband had built a huge subcontracting company in two states, and he had a fleet of shiny new vehicles and a private company airplane to show it all off. When a big contractor decided to stop paying on the biggest job, we lost almost all of it.

We built it back, complete with two homes in two different states, and I pretended to live the dream for decades, but I was unwell. I was misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder. I looked everywhere for answers.

We owned a CrossFit gym. I tried to live a Paleo lifestyle for a few years. I ended up in severe chronic pain and even more emotional and mental turmoil.

Finally, my diagnoses were uncovered and I could begin to figure out how to manage my mind and my life. But I felt lost and out of control.

I started to look anywhere and everywhere for help. I bought course after course and downloaded blueprints, roadmaps and even certified as a Life Coach in hopes that I would understand how to feel...better and get control of myself.

I did find some relief. I did start to make decisions in my life that led to drastic changes that I would otherwise not have made. But these changes were not made in a slow, stable way, the way my brain needed. I got a divorce, started over from absolutely nothing, except housing assistance and food stamps, moved three times, could barely pay my bills, and slowly rebuilt my life to the standard I wanted for my children and myself.

Everyone around me was affected by my decisions, but I had gone off my meds (for the last time ever) and was in a manic episode for so long that I couldn't see it. Of course, a depressive episode would soon follow and it would leave a ripple around me, as well.

Many of my coaches and mentors would try to convince me not to judge myself without any further context. To think differently. To change my thoughts. It didn't work. As someone with bipolar disorder, I had just learned an effective method of deciding drastically, making big changes quickly, and setting big, even seemingly impossible goals.

The effect this had on my central nervous system as well as the condition of bipolar on my brain was, well, devastating.

It was effective at changing - I made drastic changes and huge decisions that I had never felt I had authority or power to make before.

It was devastating on my life. The creator of the method did not have bipolar disorder. In fact, the creators of all of the courses and roadmaps I had been buying were either neurotypical white men and women with access to a huge support system of family, friends, an education, and finances to start their entrepreneurial endeavors.

I will never deny my privilege. It is prevalent and it exists. I had grown up believing I was rich. But knowing something was off. I had grown up believing my family was strong and supportive. But knowing something was not as sturdy and solid as they portrayed.

And then I married a Black man.

The importance of creating a coaching tool that was accessible, flexible, adaptable, gentle, equitable, inclusive, diverse and equally as scientific as it was spiritual, but didn't have to be spiritual if someone didn't want it to be?

I needed to find this solution.

And I knew there were millions of humans that needed the same solution. We keep buying the courses, we keep following directions, we do the most, we spend SO MUCH time and money, and we keep thinking, "What's wrong with me, why can't I change?

I needed to understand how to affect change with powerful, but gentle impact, creating awareness, but judgment free of societal and familial conditioning, mental and physical conditions, and circumstances outside of our control. This included central nervous system responses. If we go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn and then think something, and then feel some type of way about it, why are we so judgmental and harsh on ourselves? Why are we yelling at our kids when they won't answer us...when we're yelling? Or when they yell back?

I wanted to create a tool that could take us from where we are to where we want to be...permanently, with speed and with deep impact so we felt good about it. So we celebrated the win before the "next, next, next" "gimme, gimme, gimme' instant grab of satisfaction we're all so used to.

I wanted the tool itself to hold space for me with unconditional love and give me equitable access to my own inner power.

I knew I was going to be the one to create it. I had already created it a few years ago when I set out to coach Portrait Photographers.

The fact that I had bipolar disorder, fibromyalgia, and chronic pain coupled with the painful fact that I had gone from having a thriving photography business, a CrossFit gym owner and a CrossFit Coach but had gained so much weight since getting a blood clot after a pregnancy, an injury during a deadlift WOD, and had been to countless doctors and PAs with no answers, no help, and no progress, but instead had gained 80 pounds and had to totally grieve the person I used to be.

I was still paying thousands of dollars. I was still looking for help. I was still hating my own body and brain because I couldn't accept who I had become physically.

The transition from fit to fat had changed my opinion of myself and I needed to do some Deep Search work to understand how to love myself again. I was having fake conversations in my brain. People telling me how gross I am. How I am a downgrade for my husband. How I am the only fat one in my family. The demons in our heads are stronger than the angels outside of us if we don't use the weapons we have in our arsenals. What weapons do you have to fight them?

I finally decided to stop looking outside of myself and created my own weapon. I believe everyone deserves the gift of this simple weapon...this simple tool so you can also feel the impact of quickly feeling better; so you can fight those demons in your head.

That's why this training is free.

This is the well-being secret of the Universe.

You are a creator, created by the Creator to create.

I organized and created this magnificent self-healing tool because I was suffering., but not on my own. I learned from mentors and coaches before me. Decades of spiritual seeking. Reading from scripts, asking for help, researching, reading self-help books, attending countless hours of therapy, paying tens of thousand of dollars for courses, roadmaps, blueprints and downloads. Articles. Books. Days upon days of scrolling. Years of college education. Business management. Psychology. Interior Design. Early Education. Even Cosmetology School.

Decades of education were stored. On top of that, my lived experience was conditioning plus my conditions were all inside, ready to access at any time in my brain. I learned from everyone before me. It was time to learn from the greatest teacher. Myself. The only course that should matter was the course I had been taking since birth. My own life. I needed to answer my own questions. Solve my own problem. And create, as I was created to do.

I asked the Creator for guidance. I consciously, intentionally received the enlightenment and I continue to receive more and more as I develop and learn more about the flexibility, adaptability, and accessibility of the tool I was guided through to organize and create.

Most of it came a few years ago when I called it MECCA. I re-decided to be specific and re-organize the elements after a manic episode affected my life and I, in turn affected the people I love. Inevitably, I crashed into a depressive episode.

I was medicated. I was managing my thoughts and my brain, but...I was following the guidance and instruction of a mentor and coach to create huge goals and to make massive decisions. I realized that my specific bipolar brain is not currently expansive or capable of coping with goals of such magnitude. It triggered mania. Even while medicated.

I needed to fill the gaps. The tools I was using were not enough. They weren't addressing my condition. Worse than that, they were completely gaslighting and ignoring it...telling me to think differently about it and all would be well. Over what amounted to several years, I compiled it all and made the solution:

Watch your emotional suffering take a drastic turn for the better in just minutes.

This is the exact modality my clients use every day in what we call the Self-Led Deep Search.

I can't wait for you to try it.

In this training, I show you how to do a Self-Led Deep Search so you can end unnecessary emotional suffering.

Feel better, release suffering, and live a better life.

​Watch emotional suffering take a drastic turn for the better in just minutes.

This is the exact modality my clients use every day in what we call the Self-Led Deep Search. I can't wait for you to try it. In this training, I show you how to do a Self-Led Deep Search so you can end unnecessary emotional suffering.

Feel better, release suffering, and live a better life.

If you are struggling due to a chronic condition, a mental health diagnosis or self-diagnosis (or 2 or 3), situational depression, grief, or any combination of the above, the human experience, you will quickly experience the impact of a Deep Search Energetic Creation Release.

Coaching tools should be simple, easy-to-follow, flexible and never trigger your symptoms. The Self-Led Deep Search is a self-healing tool that teaches you the 10 Dimensions of the Human Experience, shows you why you are thinking, feeling and doing what you’re doing even when you’ve been trying so hard to change, and helps you release judgment, undesirable emotions and turn desire into decision.

It’s created around the following principles and theories:

Science (electromagnetic field theory)

Psychology (metacognition and neuroplasticity)

Emotional well-being (full spectrum emotional processing)

Human behavioral patterns (habits; seeking the familiar, comfortable and safe)

Spirituality (plug in your own beliefs)

I knew the SEARCH model was important.

It filled the gaps. It solved the problems.

I was teaching my daughter a science lesson one day and it all clicked. This was the missing piece. This was the first phase of Energetic Creation. The first phase of how we think and what causes emotions...especially the ones we don't want to feel.

Something outside of us WAS creating our thinking, at least before we had any awareness.

Are you ready to learn what I learned that day?

The secret is that your brain works in three different phases to create change.

You can't just go from where you are to where you want to be.

You have to look at where you were, first.

This doesn't require any digging into your past.

  • Are you ready to learn how to control your brain?

  • You can make the money you have been trying to make.

  • You can have the relationship you know exists in your heart.

  • You can create the strength to stand up for yourself.

  • You can stop letting other people get to you

What if you didn't feel...

  • lonely in your personal life and endeavors

  • afraid to let others down

  • insecure about your ability to do something new

  • like you had to get it all right

  • defeated before you even started

  • depressed and anxious all the time

  • imposter syndrome

  • afraid you're not good enough

  • alone in your desire for success

  • unsupported in your desire for success

  • angry and irritable when you get interrupted

  • fear of uncertainty

  • annoyed even when you appreciate people

Or what if you WANTED to feel these things?

What if you decided when to feel instead of just...

feeling them with no control?

That is what you will learn. Total control of what you think and the emotions you feel.

More than decide

what your life looks like

from today

to forever.

You will finally de-stress, de-depress, de-blame, de-insecure, de-break yourself.

You will finally make the exact amount of money you want to make.

You will serve the exact amount of clients you want to serve.

You will meet the human of your dreams. And not sabotage the relationship.

You will repair the relationships you want to repair.

You will deepen the connections you desire.

You will achieve any goal you set.

This is greater and deeper than manifestation.

It is more powerful. It is lasting. It feels better in your body. It feels true.

It is scientific and spiritual. Psychological and physical.

Nothing is left out. Mental, emotional and traumatic suffering are relieved.

It's NOT too good to be true. No one is doing this for you.

You don't have to do much. In fact, I want you to start lazy, unambitious, at 0 MPH.

You only have to promise yourself that you will continuously do two things:

1. Release judgment of your thinking and emotions, past, present, future.

2. Offer yourself compassion for anything you have done, you now do, you think or feel, past, present, or future.

Are you ready to understand why you haven't been able to up until this point?

It isn't your fault. You have been judging your unconscious thinking...let's find out how this judgment is affecting you and how to bring it with you instead of "moving past it, or changing it" so you can finally create the permanent changes you have been working so hard to do for so long.

Your self-healing work has not been in vain. You will see it all come to life.

Start Your Deep Search Energetic Creation Journey today.

Watch the Self-Led Search Free Training.

Start to end the suffering. Feel better NOW.

A note for practitioners:

If you want to use it in your practice with clients, you can spend 6 months with me in the Deep Search Energetic Creation Certification. It's a simple blend of everything you already know and learning how to use the Deep Search Energetic Creation Coaching method the way it is intended, with license, so you can take your knowledge and skillset to contribute to the world.

Start with the training.

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